feeling heavy tonight,
too much yet too little
the past, the future and the present
career, family, love
what are they anymore
and all you have left
why have I given up on the future of marriage and children:
I got to spend time with a few of my close friends from school today, and we suddenly got to the topic on marriage and starting a family.
I used to be the one who wanted a life with a blissful marriage, having 2 beautiful children and having to raise them to be the most extraordinary people in the whole world.
I planned my life out when I was 14. To be married at 23, and have children. Lead a peaceful life, taking care of my children while doing something music related. I had it all planned out and I was happy with it. Finding for the one and only, and thinking I could spend the rest of my life with this one person who will love me and me only.
All these plans and thinking turned to dust when I decided I had to do what I love if I only had this one life on earth.
For 2 years, I thought I found someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He never seem to hurt me and he took care of me, my emotions, mental state and feelings. He may not have been perfect, and he was ill (not that it mattered) , but I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him. I was ready to give up my dream, and get a stable job, lead a simple plain life with this boy who ended up fucking me up real bad.
The dream was to pursue songwriting and to sing for the rest of my life for a living. Music was all I ever wanted to do in my life, I just never had enough recognition.
I could have given it up for this person. And for many other reasons such as family.
Music therapy, well still music related right? But it was never something I wanted to do besides thinking that it may have helped him. And to also reassure my parents that I can bring bread and butter home for our stomachs. But I soon realise, you can’t live your life for others.
I can’t live my life and I shouldn’t live my life;
not for him
or my parents
or anyone else in this world
only for MYSELF
and that was why (also reassured by someone dear) I decided to go for that dream I threw away just for a fairy tale in my head that was never going to happen.
I can’t live my life for someone, unless it’s for me.
It may also have been the countless times of disappointments and let downs of these people I once loved that made me feel that I was never going to find that one and only that I was gonna spend the rest of my life with. Or to think that such a thing existed.
These thought processes were never portrayed out properly to my friends as we were talking, and it may have seem cruel to them that I would think that children and having a family would hinder my career. That my priorities were selfish. I spent the most of my teenage life, loving people who don’t intend on staying, dealing with family that isn’t really family. I gave all I could and do all I could for the person I loved, to the point I didn’t even know who I am or even who I was.
“but you will be lonely! You will be alone and you wouldn’t want that!”
Truth to be told, I’ve learnt to accept the fact that everyone you love and care about will leave you one day. Not always leaving in the sense of abandonment, but death. They can love you forever, and I can love them forever but till death do us all part. All that’s left is you, and you alone and if you think that is sad; I don’t really think so. You have yourself forever, isn’t that a very wonderful thing? And I actually love the thought of that.
Many seem to think that my mindset of thinking that nothing lasts forever is either too cruel or harsh. Some friends take it too personally, thinking that I don’t seem to cherish friendships as much anymore.
I love the people I love and care about, and I love them because I want to and because I need them to know that they are loved and that they are special. I love them because they mean a whole lot to me and it isn’t because they love me back but because I chose to. But to think that nothing last forever, including the people I love who promise forever, isn’t selfish or cruel or harsh. To me, it is important to recognise that you have yourself from the beginning and that you never needed validation from anyone because you already have yourself to love.
Does it really matter?
Alone or not alone?
Ultimately, it’s a personal choice.
And I chose this life with myself, because I want to.
And it doesn’t matter if majority tells me that I will only have a happy and satisfied life with a marriage and family because honestly, as long as I get to do what I love and be with the people I love, it’s already enough.
Sure, the fear of failed relationships (though never officially been in one), doubting the existence of the one and only and having to spend the rest of my life knowing that this person is going to love me forever till death, the fear of not being able to raise my child to who he/she needs to be and wants to be, I am afraid and I don’t want to disappoint and I don’t want my child to ever feel the way I ever felt because he/she is THAT precious to me that I can’t bear the thought of me failing as a Mother. Yes, fear may be stopping me now. But singlehood is what I have chosen, now and for the future.
I may change how I think maybe 5 years down the road, but I don’t think I am cruel to think this way or wrong at all. Because singlehood is never lonely, and it will never be. Because you have yourself, all the time. And it can show you things that you never thought you’d love about yourself or love doing with yourself.
it doesn’t matter what others think, as long as I am happy all will be well. It’s time to love yourself.
And what’s missing now, is the very company of my loving self. And no other opinion should make me feel that being alone is wrong or I need to have a family or a partner for the rest of my life. Because I love being alone and I find joy in doing so. I’m less afraid, and I love just having the thought of having myself for the rest of my life.
Because who else is gonna be here forever besides my own lovely self?