if you are looking for a sign, here it is

This is my open letter to you:

Dear Q,
The one who used to be my everything

stop thinking you could save me
stop thinking you can make everything better

you want honesty,
here it is:

No one can help me.
Not my Best Friend, not my parents, not my friends, not even the dearest person I trust.
No one can help me, except myself

So please….
just please…
stop thinking and stop blaming yourself for everything

It's the truth that you tainted my self worth
It's the truth that you distorted my own view of myself

But only I, me, myself
can get rid of this shadow alone

I don't need your help
I don't need you to save me

So please firstly, take that mindset off your brain
And see that you are unable to help me and only I can do so for myself

I am happier now,
don't you worry

And if you are sad because you are not part of the happiness
just know that you once made me very, very happy

I miss you sometimes,
but nightmares show me things I am afraid of

But I am much happier with where I am now,
my growth and my eagerness to grow even more and to learn even more about the world and most importantly, myself

I may detest you at times,
But other times I have guilt
for the words I have spoken for which have broken you down

I have learnt that
We should be kind to the people who are not kind to us
And we should love people who do not have the ability to love us back

And I am sure I have done this long enough for you,
But without the realisation that all I wanted was just for the same to be given back

And that is not kindness,
And that is obviously not love.

I'm not saying I have never loved you,
I just never loved you the way I was supposed to
And you didn't know what love was either

As I have said,
some days I really hate you for everything you have done to me and put me through
but in the end it is still me, who should just let it all go

so here it is for you too:
it's always easier to let it all go
but we both know it's easier said than done

It's your choice
But I am learning to let all these nightmares go
Slowly, steady

you have to stop looking back
and start looking around you, now in the present

That's a very bad habit of yours
And mine too

Living in the past and the future, are the recipes to unhappiness
remember that please

You can be wonderful
I have seen it in you
And you have the ability to make someone happy and loved

You just made a mistake with me
And I with you

So please, please, please
stop living in the past
And start looking at now

Don't make me your everything
Just like how I made you mine

You can't make someone or anything in this world, your Everything

You will be disappointed
And they will leave you
Whether by abandonment
Or death

You have to know that you can only help yourself
And that you always have yourself and that that is best thing you can have in the whole world.

It's easy to say these words and believe with the mind,
But hard to believe in your heart that it's true.

I'm still slowly reaching there,
And it's time for you to know that too

And finally,
please, I am begging you

don't die

You used to be my everything
And I cut you off for the sake of myself
And I never regretted it

But that doesn't mean you mean nothing at all to me now
Sure, I am afraid,
You make me shiver
You make me feel up tight and uncomfortable
But that is for me to work on,
not you

my darling, chubs
you can do this without me,
You can

I am rooting for you,
I just can't be with you

You can live
And live well

And if I ever find it in my heart again to see you face to face
I will give you a hug like I always did
And tell you how proud I am of you to chose to live on

Not for me
But for yourself

You are loved
And you are an amazing person,
We all just make mistakes

What is important is that we learn from them,
But don't be harsh on yourself
Just like how I am

Sometimes I think we are parallels,
I see much of my older self in you.
I just got to grow much more than you did.

Now it's time for you to grow,
Stop wallowing in self pity.
Enough of that, my dear.

Please find it in you to live.

Don't let anything,
not me, not your "illness" (inverted commas because it's should never EVER define who you are), not anybody else,
stop you from living a good life you deserve

You define it, not us.

I will always have you in my heart somewhere, somehow
And I wish you the best, my love

With every inch of my heart,
Your Kitty, Ying


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