It’s self-torture and you know it

I don’t think you got what I meant.
Ultimately, it is still your own choice.

I am never in the right, or will never have the right to tell you what to do.
Especially to move on.
You can never ask a person to move on and expect them to do it.
I wasn’t even asking you to.

If you still don’t get it, what I meant was that
no one in this god damn world is gonna save us.
if you don’t chose to help yourself, honestly no one else can or will.

If death is what you want,
Then I respect your choice.

But you heard my plea
please don’t die.
don’t.

I may have told you not to live for anyone, but yourself.
But at least do it for the least of my plea.

You know what I’m gonna say,
In the end it’s all up to you

Whether to stop being harsh on yourself
Whether to start helping yourself
Whether to love yourself
Whether to live

I can’t be here babysitting you anymore,
It’s been two long years my darling

no more.

You have to stop this self torture.
It’s self-torture and you know it.

If it wasn’t for someone,
I would honestly still be stuck in the never-ending cycle of self-torture.
(i’m not saying I’m out of there, I’m just trying to get better)

Because if you are not willing to help yourself,
honestly,

 

no one will

if you are looking for a sign, here it is

This is my open letter to you:

Dear Q,
The one who used to be my everything

stop thinking you could save me
stop thinking you can make everything better

you want honesty,
here it is:

No one can help me.
Not my Best Friend, not my parents, not my friends, not even the dearest person I trust.
No one can help me, except myself

So please….
just please…
stop thinking and stop blaming yourself for everything

It's the truth that you tainted my self worth
It's the truth that you distorted my own view of myself

But only I, me, myself
can get rid of this shadow alone

I don't need your help
I don't need you to save me

So please firstly, take that mindset off your brain
And see that you are unable to help me and only I can do so for myself

Secondly,
I am happier now,
don't you worry

And if you are sad because you are not part of the happiness
just know that you once made me very, very happy

I miss you sometimes,
but nightmares show me things I am afraid of

But I am much happier with where I am now,
my growth and my eagerness to grow even more and to learn even more about the world and most importantly, myself

I may detest you at times,
But other times I have guilt
for the words I have spoken for which have broken you down

I have learnt that
We should be kind to the people who are not kind to us
And we should love people who do not have the ability to love us back

And I am sure I have done this long enough for you,
But without the realisation that all I wanted was just for the same to be given back

And that is not kindness,
And that is obviously not love.

I'm not saying I have never loved you,
I just never loved you the way I was supposed to
And you didn't know what love was either

As I have said,
some days I really hate you for everything you have done to me and put me through
but in the end it is still me, who should just let it all go

so here it is for you too:
it's always easier to let it all go
but we both know it's easier said than done

It's your choice
But I am learning to let all these nightmares go
Slowly, steady

you have to stop looking back
and start looking around you, now in the present

That's a very bad habit of yours
And mine too

Living in the past and the future, are the recipes to unhappiness
remember that please

You can be wonderful
I have seen it in you
And you have the ability to make someone happy and loved

You just made a mistake with me
And I with you

So please, please, please
stop living in the past
And start looking at now

Don't make me your everything
Just like how I made you mine

You can't make someone or anything in this world, your Everything

You will be disappointed
And they will leave you
Whether by abandonment
Or death

You have to know that you can only help yourself
And that you always have yourself and that that is best thing you can have in the whole world.

It's easy to say these words and believe with the mind,
But hard to believe in your heart that it's true.

I'm still slowly reaching there,
And it's time for you to know that too

And finally,
please, I am begging you

please
don't die

You used to be my everything
And I cut you off for the sake of myself
And I never regretted it

But that doesn't mean you mean nothing at all to me now
Sure, I am afraid,
You make me shiver
You make me feel up tight and uncomfortable
But that is for me to work on,
not you

my darling, chubs
you can do this without me,
You can

I am rooting for you,
I just can't be with you

You can live
And live well

And if I ever find it in my heart again to see you face to face
I will give you a hug like I always did
And tell you how proud I am of you to chose to live on

Not for me
But for yourself

You are loved
And you are an amazing person,
We all just make mistakes

What is important is that we learn from them,
But don't be harsh on yourself
Just like how I am

Sometimes I think we are parallels,
I see much of my older self in you.
I just got to grow much more than you did.

Now it's time for you to grow,
Stop wallowing in self pity.
Enough of that, my dear.

Please find it in you to live.
Please.

Don't let anything,
not me, not your "illness" (inverted commas because it's should never EVER define who you are), not anybody else,
stop you from living a good life you deserve

You define it, not us.

I will always have you in my heart somewhere, somehow
And I wish you the best, my love

With every inch of my heart,
Your Kitty, Ying

Convalescence: VI, I am not afraid

I AM afraid of you
at the end of the day, it's still you chasing after me. Followed by the guilt. Then the yearning. Then the softening. Then realising how much I don't need you, because of how toxic you are.

I am scared of you
"You shouldn't be scared of him, HE should be SCARED OF YOU!"
"Your friends are probably right"

I am
Very much
To the point, thinking of you touching me makes me shiver.
makes my lip quiver.
make my palms sweat and my eyes tear.

The nightmare.
I didn't even want you to touch me
Because I know when you do, it's not because you love me.
It was because you just needed some girl to touch.

Don't kill yourself
For I'll be the murderer
But don't come back anymore
Not even in my dreams
For I swear I would really end up killing you

I am scared of you
I am fucking scared
But fuck you

I deserve the best
And I will not let you determine my worth

For I am a force to be reckoned with
And you better be fucking scared of me

You better be

alone & happy

feeling heavy tonight,
too much yet too little
the past, the future and the present
career, family, love
what are they anymore
and all you have left

is yourself


why have I given up on the future of marriage and children:
I got to spend time with a few of my close friends from school today, and we suddenly got to the topic on marriage and starting a family.
I used to be the one who wanted a life with a blissful marriage, having 2 beautiful children and having to raise them to be the most extraordinary people in the whole world.

 
I planned my life out when I was 14. To be married at 23, and have children. Lead a peaceful life, taking care of my children while doing something music related. I had it all planned out and I was happy with it. Finding for the one and only, and thinking I could spend the rest of my life with this one person who will love me and me only.
All these plans and thinking turned to dust when I decided I had to do what I love if I only had this one life on earth.

 
For 2 years, I thought I found someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He never seem to hurt me and he took care of me, my emotions, mental state and feelings. He may not have been perfect, and he was ill (not that it mattered) , but I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him. I was ready to give up my dream, and get a stable job, lead a simple plain life with this boy who ended up fucking me up real bad.
The dream was to pursue songwriting and to sing for the rest of my life for a living. Music was all I ever wanted to do in my life, I just never had enough recognition.

 

I could have given it up for this person. And for many other reasons such as family.
Music therapy, well still music related right? But it was never something I wanted to do besides thinking that it may have helped him. And to also reassure my parents that I can bring bread and butter home for our stomachs. But I soon realise, you can’t live your life for others.



I can’t live my life and I shouldn’t live my life;

not for him

or my parents

or anyone else in this world

only for MYSELF



and that was why (also reassured by someone dear) I decided to go for that dream I threw away just for a fairy tale in my head that was never going to happen.

I can’t live my life for someone, unless it’s for me.

 

It may also have been the countless times of disappointments and let downs of these people I once loved that made me feel that I was never going to find that one and only that I was gonna spend the rest of my life with. Or to think that such a thing existed.
These thought processes were never portrayed out properly to my friends as we were talking, and it may have seem cruel to them that I would think that children and having a family would hinder my career. That my priorities were selfish. I spent the most of my teenage life, loving people who don’t intend on staying, dealing with family that isn’t really family. I gave all I could and do all I could for the person I loved, to the point I didn’t even know who I am or even who I was.

 

“but you will be lonely! You will be alone and you wouldn’t want that!”

 

Truth to be told, I’ve learnt to accept the fact that everyone you love and care about will leave you one day. Not always leaving in the sense of abandonment, but death. They can love you forever, and I can love them forever but till death do us all part. All that’s left is you, and you alone and if you think that is sad; I don’t really think so. You have yourself forever, isn’t that a very wonderful thing? And I actually love the thought of that.

 

Many seem to think that my mindset of thinking that nothing lasts forever is either too cruel or harsh. Some friends take it too personally, thinking that I don’t seem to cherish friendships as much anymore.

 

I love the people I love and care about, and I love them because I want to and because I need them to know that they are loved and that they are special. I love them because they mean a whole lot to me and it isn’t because they love me back but because I chose to. But to think that nothing last forever, including the people I love who promise forever, isn’t selfish or cruel or harsh. To me, it is important to recognise that you have yourself from the beginning and that you never needed validation from anyone because you already have yourself to love. 



Does it really matter?
Alone or not alone?
Ultimately, it’s a personal choice.

And I chose this life with myself, because I want to.

 

And it doesn’t matter if majority tells me that I will only have a happy and satisfied life with a marriage and family because honestly, as long as I get to do what I love and be with the people I love, it’s already enough.

 

Sure, the fear of failed relationships (though never officially been in one), doubting the existence of the one and only and having to spend the rest of my life knowing that this person is going to love me forever till death, the fear of not being able to raise my child to who he/she needs to be and wants to be, I am afraid and I don’t want to disappoint and I don’t want my child to ever feel the way I ever felt because he/she is THAT precious to me that I can’t bear the thought of me failing as a Mother. Yes, fear may be stopping me now. But singlehood is what I have chosen, now and for the future.
I may change how I think maybe 5 years down the road, but I don’t think I am cruel to think this way or wrong at all. Because singlehood is never lonely, and it will never be. Because you have yourself, all the time. And it can show you things that you never thought you’d love about yourself or love doing with yourself.


reminder:

it doesn’t matter what others think, as long as I am happy all will be well. It’s time to love yourself.

And what’s missing now, is the very company of my loving self. And no other opinion should make me feel that being alone is wrong or I need to have a family or a partner for the rest of my life. Because I love being alone and I find joy in doing so. I’m less afraid, and I love just having the thought of having myself for the rest of my life.
Because who else is gonna be here forever besides my own lovely self?

if you could just prove me wrong

if you could just prove me wrong

Broken things can be fixed but can they really be fixed by the same person who broke it?

It never happened to me, it just never happened. Imagine myself torn and tattered, and I bring myself back to the person who broke me thinking he could fix me but he doesn’t, he just break the broken pieces and turn them into dust.

For the past 3 years, this happens over and over again. So I don’t think I’m wrong to say that broken things can be fixed but not by the person who broke them.

Yes possibly, if people are a genuine enough to take up the responsibility. Maybe responsibility isn’t the right word but I don’t think anyone I’ve met ever wanted to fix me back after the damage was done. And all that’s left was for myself I fix myself back. And I think that’s way better than letting anyone fix you back because even if the person who broke you chose to fix things back to how things used to be, it’s never gonna be the same. Maybe I’m not making much sense now.

but if someone could just prove me wrong,
maybe I would still have faith that the person who broke me could fix me back in some way.