Convalescence: VI, I am not afraid

I AM afraid of you
at the end of the day, it's still you chasing after me. Followed by the guilt. Then the yearning. Then the softening. Then realising how much I don't need you, because of how toxic you are.

I am scared of you
"You shouldn't be scared of him, HE should be SCARED OF YOU!"
"Your friends are probably right"

I am
Very much
To the point, thinking of you touching me makes me shiver.
makes my lip quiver.
make my palms sweat and my eyes tear.

The nightmare.
I didn't even want you to touch me
Because I know when you do, it's not because you love me.
It was because you just needed some girl to touch.

Don't kill yourself
For I'll be the murderer
But don't come back anymore
Not even in my dreams
For I swear I would really end up killing you

I am scared of you
I am fucking scared
But fuck you

I deserve the best
And I will not let you determine my worth

For I am a force to be reckoned with
And you better be fucking scared of me

You better be

Advertisements

Convalescence: V

You have so much to work on yourself.

 
It’s quite funny how the friends who tell you that it’s absolutely okay to see a future where you possibly will be on your own are not single and are attached and will have possible futures with the people they love. I have nothing against it though and I really appreciate it and I know that there is absolutely nothing wrong.

 
Ultimately, you only have yourself because nothing last forever.
Nothing at all.

 
There is absolutely nothing wrong, but I’m getting too used to being alone. I don’t even think of possible futures with anyone in my life. And I just feel disconnected from the world at the moment yet again.

 
Friends are great, my friends care for me. They try to talk to me, they try to understand. My family loves me but they might have killed the joyful little girl in me. And will they ever understand everything that goes through my mind? Every doubt I have, every problem, every trouble, every feeling? I doubt so. Honestly they don’t really get it, not many people in my life gets it. Maybe just a few, or maybe just you. But you don’t last forever either.

 

I’m sorry if this breaks any of your hearts, but I think I was born to be alone.
We are all born to be alone.
As what Hannah Snowdon said before.
Ultimately you’ll only have yourself.

 

But how can I only have myself when the person I see in the mirror isn’t someone I can say I truly love with my whole heart?
You need clear mirrors to see yourself, because the mirrors you are seeing through now are distorted and dirty.
I have lost most of my identity,
I lost my child.
I lost her to the people who raised her.
I lost my joy, my happiness that I used to find in myself.
I lost the joy of performing for people and I now only perform in my own world.
I have a mind to rewire,
I have lots of things to discover,
I have God to discover.
Yet I can’t seem to kick the feeling of doubt away from the fact that only a church could help me.
When I know it wouldn’t because it’s too small of a space to contain me and my brain.
It’s too flawed of a system to be in.
And that is because my brain was wired that way since young and it’s very exhausting sometimes because it’s been stuck with me since I was brought up the way I was.
I have songs to write.
I have feelings to feel.
I have so much in me,
I am more than meets the blinking eye, you would always tell me.
But how I wish I could see what you see in me.
Will I be able to make it?
Or will normalcy be my destiny.

 
“You can have whatever life you want but you have to be willing to work for it”

 
Can I really do it?
I don’t wish to let your believe in me be in vain.
I have a body to love.
I have a mind to love.
But yet I keep torturing it.
Many people think I need help.
Whether doctors, counsellors, pastors or a church.
But your help isn’t really what I need.
Only I can help myself.
That’s possibly one of the reasons why I feel disconnected.
I don’t want to be found, I just want to feel (un)lost.
But I know I’m searching,
And I’m searching for ways to be happy within myself.
To one day become a beautiful lotus that all of us are destined to be.
I want to feel so lucky to only have myself.
I want to find the happiness and worth in myself again.
And if you said heaven and hell are states we put ourselves in,
I have been in hell for far too long and I’m getting too comfortable in it.

 

I still have so much learning to do.
I still have so much growing to do.
But I have so much to work on.
It scares me
and it frightens me so much more that I only have myself.
But if this is a journey I have to take,
I will take it.

 

Forgive me for the hurt I bring,
but it is essential for me to be on my own on this journey and I hope you’ll understand.

Convalescence: IV

“Harley’s story is about her relationships — not just with him, but finding herself and her independence. Their relationship is nuts. It’s terrifying. She’s co-dependent with the Joker, and when you see that, you start seeing it as a mental illness.”

There’s no relationship to speak about. Neither is there love. Just desire, passion and lots and lots of torment. How do you ever get over the fact that you gave everything to someone who didn’t even give you a look in the face to tell you that he loves you. I still hear you calling my name in my head, the way you did when you were high. I still hear those empty promises ringing in my head as you just past me by. And I still hear those three syllabus in my head, when you said you loved me but you can’t love me yet. Or ever. Those words you said when we were high on our ecstasy, when we were pouring out passion and desire, and for me there was love. To you, I love you was a game, like how those three words during sex meant the same. But to me, it was my world. You are my world and I’m dependent on you for my happiness and that’s not healing at all. And sometimes I hate you for it.

If you asked me what kind of impact did our wrong doings and your words and actions and promises caused, this is my answer.

It caused my youth, my love, my everything. My ability to look at myself as pure, as sane, as pretty. My belief in love, my faith in love, my happiness. My ability to believe that anyone would love me for who I am. Self hate, self harm, self torture. Giving away what is best and knowing it’s never going to be enough for you, it ripped off my vision to see my worth. It ripped off my worth. You once said I was worthy, that was a long time ago. But you, ripped off my worth. Now I feel I ain’t worthy of anything. Not even you.

If you ever read this, don’t blame yourself. It’s all my fault for believing in you. And I know you’ll chose to leave me or distance yourself from me. Yeah.. do it. It’ll hurt, but it’s not the first day I’ve been trampled on and taken for granted.

Convalescence: II

Stagnant waters breed deadly beings, and deadly beings bring death.
Stagnant lives breed unbelief, and unbelief brings death too (not literal).

Well, that’s what some people would tell me when I tell them I am currently stagnant, both in recovery and my “spiritual life”. I have been stagnant for quite a while. and for a while, I meant 3-4 months. Spiritually, I don’t see the need in believing sometimes. Due to various circumstances, I have come to the point that having spiritual conversations make me sick and even if I really had to I just wanted to let my doubts out of my system, not searching for answers of any sort. Today I told my friends, well at least I felt that I did, that religion seems to be draining me.  I have been having a lot of questions whether the person or the god I believed my whole life is real. I even came to realise today that being a 3rd generation believer has only made me a blind follower. I was born into such a family, with such values and beliefs being churned into my head as if it was inbuilt in me. What is faith and what is belief. Faith is complete trust and belief, based on spiritual conviction rather than proof. I used to have faith, I thought He changed my life. Maybe He did in the past, I just don’t see it now. When I called for help, I remembered Him coming to my rescue and I saw him as my saviour and someone I could rely on. Now I don’t see anything, I don’t feel anything. They call it spiritual blindness. Is that really the case, or has religion itself blocked me out of the values I should have discovered and moulded myself into. Meaning to say, I do feel that religion is stopping me from having my own opinions and beliefs for now (or most of the time ever since spiritual growth and conversations became a bore).

“This actually drives people insane.”
“It’s the environment that drives them mad.”

Environment.
I have been in this environment for full 17 years of my life and just when I did my confirmation, the doubts came. And I do think I need a new environment. Maybe some place new and some place without such rules and suffocating authorities. Even my friends aren’t growing and the only reason stopping them is me. I’m not saying that I am so important that they stayed because of me but the reason why they are still here is because they have people they care about. And I do really love them, a lot. And to think that they are stagnant too it hurts so much more than knowing I am stagnant myself. That’s why I told them today, that if they aren’t growing, they have to leave. They need to. I don’t want to be the reason why they stop growing in their own faith that I am close to not believing in anymore. I believe they deserve so much more than I do and if growing is what they need, being out of stagnant is what they need, I rather they leave and I stay behind by myself. (and the reason why I can’t leave is because of my parents.)

I am actually suffocating. I really really really need a break and a new environment to breathe some fresh air. I’m sorry if this has disappointed any of you, and if my parents ever see this; don’t be sad or discouraged. You both brought me up well, I just dont know whether faith is what I chose anymore or this place you call home is some place I want to grow in.

Sometimes I feel that my free thinker friends are so much happier than us.

Recovery.
Healing. Am I healing, that’s the question. Bringing back the person who caused it in the first place would be the most stupid decision to ever make, especially in the midst of recovery and getting up from that stupid pit, to most people. Actually, I myself, I don’t know whether he would make it any better or make it worse for me. I feel like I am making a reckless decision because I am in need for a person of an opposite sex to take away my insecurities. I am very very sure I do not have daddy issues but I have no idea where this need ever came from. I feel the need to be loved and wanted all the damn time, it scares me and annoys me half the time. The problem is me, myself and I. So I have been trying to have some alone time, going to places I love. It is very therapeutic but I am rather paranoid and insecure about it. Maybe if I just do this once a week for a month or two, I might realise that being alone isn’t that bad after all. So I’m working on it, to be alone and independent and to reduce my need for security and love in people or in just one particular special someone. There’s not much progress? Should I say that? But the negative thoughts seldom come now (?) I don’t know. To me, I don’t see improvements. But I hope to see some soon…. I really hope.

Convalescence: I

This is for the month of January.
First month of the year and nothing seems to be going well. There is no doubt that it is kinda hindering my recovery. I’ve been having a lot of relapses this month, not just the damn thoughts but the habits just keep happening. To make it any worse, problems in school.

There has been some improvements, as said by my best friend. But sometimes I just can’t seem to get it to my head that recovery is good. It seems stupid as I say it, but I seem to love to go back to what’s killing me. To make it any worse, to fill in the void I fill it in with the wrong things, the wrong people. Random people whom I don’t even know personal. It’s like you have lost someone dear to care for, in order to keep yourself from forgetting and feeling empty is to just fill it up with someone you don’t even know. It’s like infatuation but it’s worse in this case, because you are just treating the person as a rebound. Not like this is gonna make recovery any better.

School’s been really busy as it’s the last term. I thought all these piles of work will keep me away from the thoughts. Yes it did keep me away from the habits but not the thoughts. (Okay maybe not the habits too) They get so annoying and scary at times, and that’s when I feel that recovery is bullshit. I’m actually not in a right state to write about this now either, because I’m still trying to get my thoughts together regarding a friend of mine. I just seem to love to soak myself in negativity, and that’s insane. I think it has become a disease and it is really…. I can’t even find the right words to describe how I feel sometimes. The last month hasn’t been good, but I really hope that I’ll get better.

I will get better, right?

 

The Convalescence Series

My dearest readers,

We’ve entered into the year of 2016 for almost 5 days now. And I started my journey towards recovery a few weeks ago, the week after Christmas in 2015.

After so long, I finally took the first step to accept healing, to accept that I need time to recover from my inner illnesses and from what I have lost. I’m going to share with all of you, along the weeks and months, on my progress as I journey on this tough road towards recovery. This series would be called The Convalescence Series.

Convalescence is the gradual recovery of health and strength after an illness or  illnesses. It refers to the later stage of an infectious disease or illness when the patient recovers and returns to normal, but may continue to be a source of infection even if feeling better.

The reason why I chose “Convalescence” to be the word to represent my journey towards recovery is because it mirrors the type of recovery I am embarking on. I have battled the “illnesses” in me for quite some time and I have won some victories over the past months. However, they still have a hold on me. What I have come to realise is that I may still be the cause and source of my own problems eventhough I removed things that affected me. And even when there are times I feel better, there’s bound to be relapses.

And these relapses are not what I’m hoping for.
Being the source of my own illness is not what I want to be.
If recovery and healing is what I need,
I’ll give my all.
But recovery is never easy.
Little by little, step by step.
And I guess that is what I’m going to do, take a little step at a time.

This series will be the testimony of my recovery, and I hope that all of you will join me. Hoping that it will too, inspire you, encourage you and help you if you are also heading towards some sort of recovery.

With love,
Ying