You have so much to work on yourself.
It’s quite funny how the friends who tell you that it’s absolutely okay to see a future where you possibly will be on your own are not single and are attached and will have possible futures with the people they love. I have nothing against it though and I really appreciate it and I know that there is absolutely nothing wrong.
Ultimately, you only have yourself because nothing last forever.
Nothing at all.
There is absolutely nothing wrong, but I’m getting too used to being alone. I don’t even think of possible futures with anyone in my life. And I just feel disconnected from the world at the moment yet again.
Friends are great, my friends care for me. They try to talk to me, they try to understand. My family loves me but they might have killed the joyful little girl in me. And will they ever understand everything that goes through my mind? Every doubt I have, every problem, every trouble, every feeling? I doubt so. Honestly they don’t really get it, not many people in my life gets it. Maybe just a few, or maybe just you. But you don’t last forever either.
I’m sorry if this breaks any of your hearts, but I think I was born to be alone.
We are all born to be alone.
As what Hannah Snowdon said before.
Ultimately you’ll only have yourself.
But how can I only have myself when the person I see in the mirror isn’t someone I can say I truly love with my whole heart?
You need clear mirrors to see yourself, because the mirrors you are seeing through now are distorted and dirty.
I have lost most of my identity,
I lost my child.
I lost her to the people who raised her.
I lost my joy, my happiness that I used to find in myself.
I lost the joy of performing for people and I now only perform in my own world.
I have a mind to rewire,
I have lots of things to discover,
I have God to discover.
Yet I can’t seem to kick the feeling of doubt away from the fact that only a church could help me.
When I know it wouldn’t because it’s too small of a space to contain me and my brain.
It’s too flawed of a system to be in.
And that is because my brain was wired that way since young and it’s very exhausting sometimes because it’s been stuck with me since I was brought up the way I was.
I have songs to write.
I have feelings to feel.
I have so much in me,
I am more than meets the blinking eye, you would always tell me.
But how I wish I could see what you see in me.
Will I be able to make it?
Or will normalcy be my destiny.
“You can have whatever life you want but you have to be willing to work for it”
Can I really do it?
I don’t wish to let your believe in me be in vain.
I have a body to love.
I have a mind to love.
But yet I keep torturing it.
Many people think I need help.
Whether doctors, counsellors, pastors or a church.
But your help isn’t really what I need.
Only I can help myself.
That’s possibly one of the reasons why I feel disconnected.
I don’t want to be found, I just want to feel (un)lost.
But I know I’m searching,
And I’m searching for ways to be happy within myself.
To one day become a beautiful lotus that all of us are destined to be.
I want to feel so lucky to only have myself.
I want to find the happiness and worth in myself again.
And if you said heaven and hell are states we put ourselves in,
I have been in hell for far too long and I’m getting too comfortable in it.
I still have so much learning to do.
I still have so much growing to do.
But I have so much to work on.
It scares me
and it frightens me so much more that I only have myself.
But if this is a journey I have to take,
I will take it.
Forgive me for the hurt I bring,
b ut it is essential for me to be on my own on this journey and I hope you’ll understand.