the elephant in the room: death

I am learning to think that death isn’t such a bad thing. Maybe it really isn’t.

If a person chose to die, you should just respect his/her decision.

Someone dear once told me,
“death is not a problem, death is a solution…  we need death, without death the world would be so crowded!  Without death, there will be no life…  how people live determines how they die…  you don’t determine how anyone else dies…  because you don’t determine how anyone lives, individuals are responsible for their own lives so don’t take on unnecessary burden!”

(Besides) A lot of people are doing more harm than good so it’s better for a lot of people to die.”

Don’t know if i agree that people who do more harm than good deserve death, i try to think that everyone deserve to live, especially if they are willing to change for the better. ((and i swear this person saying this isn’t a bad person, as much as he thinks he is wretched, he is wonderful. he always means more good than harm for the people and things around him))

Death really isn’t a bad thing.
It is natural, it will and should happen.

of course if anyone choses to kill themselves,
the people who love him/her would be so heartbroken
people who care about them
people who even go to school with them, or work with them
even people who barely even know them would feel a sting in their hearts.

but they chose to end it.
it is their decision and if you love someone, would you respect their decisions?
((disclaimer, I understand there is a very grey area here,
but you can never be responsible for anyone’s life. never.
all you can do is respect them, even if loving them means to not bring them to any harm.
sometimes you just can’t no matter how, people are just that stubborn or i should say stuck to their decisions))

you are responsible for your life,
and he/she is responsible for his/her life.

you can try to stop them,
you can be there for them,
you know you would do anything to have them not end it.

but ultimately it. is. still. their. choice.

at least you tried,
at least you tried,
at least, you tried.

I used to think that if i ever tried enough, I could change a person’s life or save them.
change? maybe but not entirely
but you can never save them

i think i have said this so many damn times that people are getting sick of it,
you can never save anyone but yourself.
people can only save themselves.

you can try to save someone,
but if that person doesn’t even try to help himself
you’re never gonna save him.

altruist will give their all,
I used to.

or maybe i still do.

altruism is a good trait,
i cultivated it or some may say I always had it.
not to boast about it, it’s honestly a good and bad.

especially being in a world as cruel as this.

He told me it will be hard for me to not care about anyone’s welfare,
or cut people who need to be cut off completely,
or to even think that if one day a dear friend of mine, anyone of them, decides to end their life, i was not a cause, or their death was not my responsibility.
because i am a good person, and it is hard for a good person to be “bad”.

the point to put across right here is that death is natural and that it is the person’s responsibility, not yours, if he/she choses it.

you are not responsible for anyone’s death. 

“and why do we have such a negative view on death?”

we shouldn’t really.
i mean the french call orgasms “little deaths”

so dying is possibly the greatest orgasm we will ever achieve.

honestly, this is more of a self reminder to me.
to not be so harsh on myself.

i may seem brutal in my views as i keep changing and growing.
but all i want is to be good yet it takes a toll on me sometimes that i have to do what i do.

why be good, when I’ll just be myself.

we all have opinions, there’s no right and wrong and i understand everything that could be laid on the table as argument against what i have said could be valid arguments, but i still stand firm to what i believe death to be and even suicide as a personal choice.

i’m not saying to glorify suicide,
the celebration of death is the celebration of life. (if that made any sense)

if a person dies of suicide,
sure you can feel guilty or sad or regret that you didn’t stop it.
but instead of being harsh on yourself, why not celebrate the life the person had.

bottom line,

though death at such a young age as 19 is daunting, especially the death of the people i love and care about, compared to a middle-aged man who is getting ready for death to come.

so it is natural to be afraid,
and it is natural to be sad, to feel down and heartbroken when someone passes.
whether by natural means, sickness, accidents or suicide.

Let me remind you again,

I am done addressing the elephant in the room today.

Ultimate Orgasm = Death
(doesn’t sound too bad to me)



I don’t hate you,
not anymore

what’s the point of doing so
though sometimes the past may haunt me once in a while
but I’ll be okay

not every nightmare’s about you
frankly speaking the nightmares I get now don’t involve you
so it’s okay

many times I did think of contacting you secretly
since everyone else advice me not to
but never know how my life will change if I have you in my life again
even so if we do so secretly

I embrace the past, but I don’t want to live in it anymore
and someone once told me

“broken things can be fixed, even by the same person who broke it. That’s the point. God knows I have fixed lots of things I broke…”

you could fix this back if you chose to be responsible for it
but ironically the person who said that doesn’t seem to think having you back is a good decision to make

Just know that I would do all i used to do, if I could
Though sometimes I really wonder what you have left to say



plural noun: moonbeams

a ray of moonlight


the night will take away my sun,
and my moon emerges from the dark.

my favourite thing in the world
what do you know about love

what do you know about love?

moonlight guides me in the dark
never thought you were less important than the sun

“may you dream of moonbeams”
said the strange one
light up my dreams so I have nightmares no more

you have orbited the earth for millions of years
you should know something real about love

so tell me
my favourite thing in the world,
what do you know about love?

It’s self-torture and you know it

I don’t think you got what I meant.
Ultimately, it is still your own choice.

I am never in the right, or will never have the right to tell you what to do.
Especially to move on.
You can never ask a person to move on and expect them to do it.
I wasn’t even asking you to.

If you still don’t get it, what I meant was that
no one in this god damn world is gonna save us.
if you don’t chose to help yourself, honestly no one else can or will.

If death is what you want,
Then I respect your choice.

But you heard my plea
please don’t die.

I may have told you not to live for anyone, but yourself.
But at least do it for the least of my plea.

You know what I’m gonna say,
In the end it’s all up to you

Whether to stop being harsh on yourself
Whether to start helping yourself
Whether to love yourself
Whether to live

I can’t be here babysitting you anymore,
It’s been two long years my darling

no more.

You have to stop this self torture.
It’s self-torture and you know it.

If it wasn’t for someone,
I would honestly still be stuck in the never-ending cycle of self-torture.
(i’m not saying I’m out of there, I’m just trying to get better)

Because if you are not willing to help yourself,


no one will

if you are looking for a sign, here it is

This is my open letter to you:

Dear Q,
The one who used to be my everything

stop thinking you could save me
stop thinking you can make everything better

you want honesty,
here it is:

No one can help me.
Not my Best Friend, not my parents, not my friends, not even the dearest person I trust.
No one can help me, except myself

So please….
just please…
stop thinking and stop blaming yourself for everything

It's the truth that you tainted my self worth
It's the truth that you distorted my own view of myself

But only I, me, myself
can get rid of this shadow alone

I don't need your help
I don't need you to save me

So please firstly, take that mindset off your brain
And see that you are unable to help me and only I can do so for myself

I am happier now,
don't you worry

And if you are sad because you are not part of the happiness
just know that you once made me very, very happy

I miss you sometimes,
but nightmares show me things I am afraid of

But I am much happier with where I am now,
my growth and my eagerness to grow even more and to learn even more about the world and most importantly, myself

I may detest you at times,
But other times I have guilt
for the words I have spoken for which have broken you down

I have learnt that
We should be kind to the people who are not kind to us
And we should love people who do not have the ability to love us back

And I am sure I have done this long enough for you,
But without the realisation that all I wanted was just for the same to be given back

And that is not kindness,
And that is obviously not love.

I'm not saying I have never loved you,
I just never loved you the way I was supposed to
And you didn't know what love was either

As I have said,
some days I really hate you for everything you have done to me and put me through
but in the end it is still me, who should just let it all go

so here it is for you too:
it's always easier to let it all go
but we both know it's easier said than done

It's your choice
But I am learning to let all these nightmares go
Slowly, steady

you have to stop looking back
and start looking around you, now in the present

That's a very bad habit of yours
And mine too

Living in the past and the future, are the recipes to unhappiness
remember that please

You can be wonderful
I have seen it in you
And you have the ability to make someone happy and loved

You just made a mistake with me
And I with you

So please, please, please
stop living in the past
And start looking at now

Don't make me your everything
Just like how I made you mine

You can't make someone or anything in this world, your Everything

You will be disappointed
And they will leave you
Whether by abandonment
Or death

You have to know that you can only help yourself
And that you always have yourself and that that is best thing you can have in the whole world.

It's easy to say these words and believe with the mind,
But hard to believe in your heart that it's true.

I'm still slowly reaching there,
And it's time for you to know that too

And finally,
please, I am begging you

don't die

You used to be my everything
And I cut you off for the sake of myself
And I never regretted it

But that doesn't mean you mean nothing at all to me now
Sure, I am afraid,
You make me shiver
You make me feel up tight and uncomfortable
But that is for me to work on,
not you

my darling, chubs
you can do this without me,
You can

I am rooting for you,
I just can't be with you

You can live
And live well

And if I ever find it in my heart again to see you face to face
I will give you a hug like I always did
And tell you how proud I am of you to chose to live on

Not for me
But for yourself

You are loved
And you are an amazing person,
We all just make mistakes

What is important is that we learn from them,
But don't be harsh on yourself
Just like how I am

Sometimes I think we are parallels,
I see much of my older self in you.
I just got to grow much more than you did.

Now it's time for you to grow,
Stop wallowing in self pity.
Enough of that, my dear.

Please find it in you to live.

Don't let anything,
not me, not your "illness" (inverted commas because it's should never EVER define who you are), not anybody else,
stop you from living a good life you deserve

You define it, not us.

I will always have you in my heart somewhere, somehow
And I wish you the best, my love

With every inch of my heart,
Your Kitty, Ying

Convalescence: VI, I am not afraid

I AM afraid of you
at the end of the day, it's still you chasing after me. Followed by the guilt. Then the yearning. Then the softening. Then realising how much I don't need you, because of how toxic you are.

I am scared of you
"You shouldn't be scared of him, HE should be SCARED OF YOU!"
"Your friends are probably right"

I am
Very much
To the point, thinking of you touching me makes me shiver.
makes my lip quiver.
make my palms sweat and my eyes tear.

The nightmare.
I didn't even want you to touch me
Because I know when you do, it's not because you love me.
It was because you just needed some girl to touch.

Don't kill yourself
For I'll be the murderer
But don't come back anymore
Not even in my dreams
For I swear I would really end up killing you

I am scared of you
I am fucking scared
But fuck you

I deserve the best
And I will not let you determine my worth

For I am a force to be reckoned with
And you better be fucking scared of me

You better be