I’m searching deep in my heart but sometimes I don’t find you there

sometimes I feel like you’re not here, other times I feel like I’m not there. if I am guilty of wishing you’d love me the same as you claim if I didn’t love you the same, I admit I am guilty of it. but sometimes I do feel like I love you, other times it seems less. And maybe I do love you, but what if it’s not in that way? if I am guilty of wanting someone by my side, I admit that I am guilty of it. if that is not love, then it is attachment. I feel like I might love someone else more than I love the one who told me so. If I am guilty of taking your love for granted, I admit I am guilty of it. I don’t love to share, you know that as a fact. I admit I’ll be bitter if you chose not to love me someday. And we would ask, what is love? If anyone knew, he would be the richest man on this earth. Maybe I love you, I know I do. But sometimes I’m unsure. Maybe I said (loved) too soon.


is this why they call it the leap of faith?

I’ve taken a big leap over
but I don’t know over to where
And whether I’ll even land
Or would I just fall in endlessness
Or would I just crash and burn

We’re two worlds apart
We aren’t the same in the things we hoped to be the same with
We’re two worlds apart
Too bad opposites attract

If we ever loved,
you know our love is bound to
And maybe if I don’t say it out loud
It’ll last forever (nothing lasts forever)

We’re two worlds apart
Didn’t your mother warn you not to play with fire
We’re two worlds apart
For all you know, I’ll burn from my own flames at the very end

If we ever loved,
I may just go all free fall
“but why can’t we just enjoy what is now, the feeling hasn’t faded”
I’m afraid I’m going too fast

We’re two worlds apart
but you mean a lot to me
We’re two worlds apart
and you may even mean the whole world to me
(don’t make someone your whole world)

I’ve taken a big leap over
but I don’t know over to where
And whether I’ll even land
Or would I just fall in endlessness
Or would I just crash and burn

and I know how this would end,
but I hope you see how much of a chance I am taking with you

unknown lover

I haven’t been writing much lately, writing on here at least…

this feeling is rather overwhelming, and I smile for no fucking reason from ear to ear thinking about it. And I don’t know why, I blush so much even trying to talk about it. I can’t comprehend.

I can’t comprehend how someone could love me, so much, that he could say the 3 syllabus. To love me, even before I loved the way I am. You are one of the first.

People have come and go, and normally they only see the gem I am after I’m gone. I don’t mean to say that I am a gem, but I believe I should believe that more about myself.

I just can’t comprehend..
Why of all people in the world, Cupid shot the arrow right at you and you never looked at me the same anymore.
Why me…
What do you see about me that I don’t see?

Please know that I’m not blaming you for any of these, if I do sound that way… all of these are self-doubt and low self-esteem talking… I just lack so much confidence..

Someone has always told me “you need to change your mirrors, because you don’t see what I see.”

I’m pretty broken, I have many broken mirrors, my self-esteem is non-existence sometimes, and you had the balls to tell me that you’re in love with me, that you love me..

it was really really so brave of you,
No one else would have done that.
And it’s even more courageous of you that you did it in person.

There was a connection somewhere between us.
I just don’t know why it was gone for a while. Or maybe we know why.
Misunderstandings could be such a pain in the ass.

Maybe if you saw the rest of me, you would change your mind.
And even if you do, that’s alright… I’ll understand…

I feel ashamed for feeling like you know more about me than I know about you… or even know about myself…

I don’t know what I ever did to deserve this.. some will say it’s good karma, some will say it’s fate, and some, luck.
Whatever it is, just know that you made my week.
You really did.

Thank you, unknown lover.



the elephant in the room: death

I am learning to think that death isn’t such a bad thing. Maybe it really isn’t.

If a person chose to die, you should just respect his/her decision.

Someone dear once told me,
“death is not a problem, death is a solution…  we need death, without death the world would be so crowded!  Without death, there will be no life…  how people live determines how they die…  you don’t determine how anyone else dies…  because you don’t determine how anyone lives, individuals are responsible for their own lives so don’t take on unnecessary burden!”

(Besides) A lot of people are doing more harm than good so it’s better for a lot of people to die.”

Don’t know if i agree that people who do more harm than good deserve death, i try to think that everyone deserve to live, especially if they are willing to change for the better. ((and i swear this person saying this isn’t a bad person, as much as he thinks he is wretched, he is wonderful. he always means more good than harm for the people and things around him))

Death really isn’t a bad thing.
It is natural, it will and should happen.

of course if anyone choses to kill themselves,
the people who love him/her would be so heartbroken
people who care about them
people who even go to school with them, or work with them
even people who barely even know them would feel a sting in their hearts.

but they chose to end it.
it is their decision and if you love someone, would you respect their decisions?
((disclaimer, I understand there is a very grey area here,
but you can never be responsible for anyone’s life. never.
all you can do is respect them, even if loving them means to not bring them to any harm.
sometimes you just can’t no matter how, people are just that stubborn or i should say stuck to their decisions))

you are responsible for your life,
and he/she is responsible for his/her life.

you can try to stop them,
you can be there for them,
you know you would do anything to have them not end it.

but ultimately it. is. still. their. choice.

at least you tried,
at least you tried,
at least, you tried.

I used to think that if i ever tried enough, I could change a person’s life or save them.
change? maybe but not entirely
but you can never save them

i think i have said this so many damn times that people are getting sick of it,
you can never save anyone but yourself.
people can only save themselves.

you can try to save someone,
but if that person doesn’t even try to help himself
you’re never gonna save him.

altruist will give their all,
I used to.

or maybe i still do.

altruism is a good trait,
i cultivated it or some may say I always had it.
not to boast about it, it’s honestly a good and bad.

especially being in a world as cruel as this.

He told me it will be hard for me to not care about anyone’s welfare,
or cut people who need to be cut off completely,
or to even think that if one day a dear friend of mine, anyone of them, decides to end their life, i was not a cause, or their death was not my responsibility.
because i am a good person, and it is hard for a good person to be “bad”.

the point to put across right here is that death is natural and that it is the person’s responsibility, not yours, if he/she choses it.

you are not responsible for anyone’s death. 

“and why do we have such a negative view on death?”

we shouldn’t really.
i mean the french call orgasms “little deaths”

so dying is possibly the greatest orgasm we will ever achieve.

honestly, this is more of a self reminder to me.
to not be so harsh on myself.

i may seem brutal in my views as i keep changing and growing.
but all i want is to be good yet it takes a toll on me sometimes that i have to do what i do.

why be good, when I’ll just be myself.

we all have opinions, there’s no right and wrong and i understand everything that could be laid on the table as argument against what i have said could be valid arguments, but i still stand firm to what i believe death to be and even suicide as a personal choice.

i’m not saying to glorify suicide,
the celebration of death is the celebration of life. (if that made any sense)

if a person dies of suicide,
sure you can feel guilty or sad or regret that you didn’t stop it.
but instead of being harsh on yourself, why not celebrate the life the person had.

bottom line,

though death at such a young age as 19 is daunting, especially the death of the people i love and care about, compared to a middle-aged man who is getting ready for death to come.

so it is natural to be afraid,
and it is natural to be sad, to feel down and heartbroken when someone passes.
whether by natural means, sickness, accidents or suicide.

Let me remind you again,

I am done addressing the elephant in the room today.

Ultimate Orgasm = Death
(doesn’t sound too bad to me)


I don’t hate you,
not anymore

what’s the point of doing so
though sometimes the past may haunt me once in a while
but I’ll be okay

not every nightmare’s about you
frankly speaking the nightmares I get now don’t involve you
so it’s okay

many times I did think of contacting you secretly
since everyone else advice me not to
but never know how my life will change if I have you in my life again
even so if we do so secretly

I embrace the past, but I don’t want to live in it anymore
and someone once told me

“broken things can be fixed, even by the same person who broke it. That’s the point. God knows I have fixed lots of things I broke…”

you could fix this back if you chose to be responsible for it
but ironically the person who said that doesn’t seem to think having you back is a good decision to make

Just know that I would do all i used to do, if I could
Though sometimes I really wonder what you have left to say



plural noun: moonbeams

a ray of moonlight


the night will take away my sun,
and my moon emerges from the dark.

my favourite thing in the world
what do you know about love

what do you know about love?

moonlight guides me in the dark
never thought you were less important than the sun

“may you dream of moonbeams”
said the strange one
light up my dreams so I have nightmares no more

you have orbited the earth for millions of years
you should know something real about love

so tell me
my favourite thing in the world,
what do you know about love?

It’s self-torture and you know it

I don’t think you got what I meant.
Ultimately, it is still your own choice.

I am never in the right, or will never have the right to tell you what to do.
Especially to move on.
You can never ask a person to move on and expect them to do it.
I wasn’t even asking you to.

If you still don’t get it, what I meant was that
no one in this god damn world is gonna save us.
if you don’t chose to help yourself, honestly no one else can or will.

If death is what you want,
Then I respect your choice.

But you heard my plea
please don’t die.

I may have told you not to live for anyone, but yourself.
But at least do it for the least of my plea.

You know what I’m gonna say,
In the end it’s all up to you

Whether to stop being harsh on yourself
Whether to start helping yourself
Whether to love yourself
Whether to live

I can’t be here babysitting you anymore,
It’s been two long years my darling

no more.

You have to stop this self torture.
It’s self-torture and you know it.

If it wasn’t for someone,
I would honestly still be stuck in the never-ending cycle of self-torture.
(i’m not saying I’m out of there, I’m just trying to get better)

Because if you are not willing to help yourself,


no one will