i love being alone
but i am still needy as fuck

how even

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alone & happy

feeling heavy tonight,
too much yet too little
the past, the future and the present
career, family, love
what are they anymore
and all you have left

is yourself


why have I given up on the future of marriage and children:
I got to spend time with a few of my close friends from school today, and we suddenly got to the topic on marriage and starting a family.
I used to be the one who wanted a life with a blissful marriage, having 2 beautiful children and having to raise them to be the most extraordinary people in the whole world.

 
I planned my life out when I was 14. To be married at 23, and have children. Lead a peaceful life, taking care of my children while doing something music related. I had it all planned out and I was happy with it. Finding for the one and only, and thinking I could spend the rest of my life with this one person who will love me and me only.
All these plans and thinking turned to dust when I decided I had to do what I love if I only had this one life on earth.

 
For 2 years, I thought I found someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He never seem to hurt me and he took care of me, my emotions, mental state and feelings. He may not have been perfect, and he was ill (not that it mattered) , but I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him. I was ready to give up my dream, and get a stable job, lead a simple plain life with this boy who ended up fucking me up real bad.
The dream was to pursue songwriting and to sing for the rest of my life for a living. Music was all I ever wanted to do in my life, I just never had enough recognition.

 

I could have given it up for this person. And for many other reasons such as family.
Music therapy, well still music related right? But it was never something I wanted to do besides thinking that it may have helped him. And to also reassure my parents that I can bring bread and butter home for our stomachs. But I soon realise, you can’t live your life for others.



I can’t live my life and I shouldn’t live my life;

not for him

or my parents

or anyone else in this world

only for MYSELF



and that was why (also reassured by someone dear) I decided to go for that dream I threw away just for a fairy tale in my head that was never going to happen.

I can’t live my life for someone, unless it’s for me.

 

It may also have been the countless times of disappointments and let downs of these people I once loved that made me feel that I was never going to find that one and only that I was gonna spend the rest of my life with. Or to think that such a thing existed.
These thought processes were never portrayed out properly to my friends as we were talking, and it may have seem cruel to them that I would think that children and having a family would hinder my career. That my priorities were selfish. I spent the most of my teenage life, loving people who don’t intend on staying, dealing with family that isn’t really family. I gave all I could and do all I could for the person I loved, to the point I didn’t even know who I am or even who I was.

 

“but you will be lonely! You will be alone and you wouldn’t want that!”

 

Truth to be told, I’ve learnt to accept the fact that everyone you love and care about will leave you one day. Not always leaving in the sense of abandonment, but death. They can love you forever, and I can love them forever but till death do us all part. All that’s left is you, and you alone and if you think that is sad; I don’t really think so. You have yourself forever, isn’t that a very wonderful thing? And I actually love the thought of that.

 

Many seem to think that my mindset of thinking that nothing lasts forever is either too cruel or harsh. Some friends take it too personally, thinking that I don’t seem to cherish friendships as much anymore.

 

I love the people I love and care about, and I love them because I want to and because I need them to know that they are loved and that they are special. I love them because they mean a whole lot to me and it isn’t because they love me back but because I chose to. But to think that nothing last forever, including the people I love who promise forever, isn’t selfish or cruel or harsh. To me, it is important to recognise that you have yourself from the beginning and that you never needed validation from anyone because you already have yourself to love. 



Does it really matter?
Alone or not alone?
Ultimately, it’s a personal choice.

And I chose this life with myself, because I want to.

 

And it doesn’t matter if majority tells me that I will only have a happy and satisfied life with a marriage and family because honestly, as long as I get to do what I love and be with the people I love, it’s already enough.

 

Sure, the fear of failed relationships (though never officially been in one), doubting the existence of the one and only and having to spend the rest of my life knowing that this person is going to love me forever till death, the fear of not being able to raise my child to who he/she needs to be and wants to be, I am afraid and I don’t want to disappoint and I don’t want my child to ever feel the way I ever felt because he/she is THAT precious to me that I can’t bear the thought of me failing as a Mother. Yes, fear may be stopping me now. But singlehood is what I have chosen, now and for the future.
I may change how I think maybe 5 years down the road, but I don’t think I am cruel to think this way or wrong at all. Because singlehood is never lonely, and it will never be. Because you have yourself, all the time. And it can show you things that you never thought you’d love about yourself or love doing with yourself.


reminder:

it doesn’t matter what others think, as long as I am happy all will be well. It’s time to love yourself.

And what’s missing now, is the very company of my loving self. And no other opinion should make me feel that being alone is wrong or I need to have a family or a partner for the rest of my life. Because I love being alone and I find joy in doing so. I’m less afraid, and I love just having the thought of having myself for the rest of my life.
Because who else is gonna be here forever besides my own lovely self?

if you could just prove me wrong

if you could just prove me wrong

Broken things can be fixed but can they really be fixed by the same person who broke it?

It never happened to me, it just never happened. Imagine myself torn and tattered, and I bring myself back to the person who broke me thinking he could fix me but he doesn’t, he just break the broken pieces and turn them into dust.

For the past 3 years, this happens over and over again. So I don’t think I’m wrong to say that broken things can be fixed but not by the person who broke them.

Yes possibly, if people are a genuine enough to take up the responsibility. Maybe responsibility isn’t the right word but I don’t think anyone I’ve met ever wanted to fix me back after the damage was done. And all that’s left was for myself I fix myself back. And I think that’s way better than letting anyone fix you back because even if the person who broke you chose to fix things back to how things used to be, it’s never gonna be the same. Maybe I’m not making much sense now.

but if someone could just prove me wrong,
maybe I would still have faith that the person who broke me could fix me back in some way.

powder & fire

powder & fire

I used to think that I was powder and you were fire.

I was wrong.
you were the explosives, and I was the flame.

you caused the explosion while i was just being myself,
i have been called dumb
and maybe i should have known not
to be near gun powder.

but,
if there wasn’t an explosion,
I wouldn’t be burning brighter than before.

and maybe explosions are not so bad after all,
and maybe being near things that may hurt you eventually
will help you to discover new things

once bitten, twice shy
oh how I’ll never learn

but no one’s ever gonna stop my flames.
no one can,
and no one will.

use your heart to the full

use your heart to the full

What’s the point of fighting and hating when we can love? We all have a heart, so use it to the fullest.

It’s quite sad to see that people are spewing hate, and claiming that it’s because the other has does the most wrong. Even if the person has done wrong, it gives you no right to throw hurtful words or spew fire at him. These people can give excuses all they want, they can say the person did the worst mistake but honestly, everyone is fucked and they should never put the blame on other people but examine themselves.

This is too big a mess to explain but through this situation I have learnt of today, I just kinda gave some advice, and realise that it’s a reminder to myself too. And it also should be a reminder to you too. 
You reap what you sow

And we should all be good to one another, and show love to one another. And if people show you with hate, 

Don’t repay them with hate but kindness. Remember this.

And once you practice that, you will grow and people will see your change. And you don’t have to care about what others say. Because ultimately it’s you, you have to answer to yourself. And as Long as one person in the world can see you are trying and changing, that’s enough.

We are all learning and growing every single day, there isn’t a need for hate in this world anymore. There’s too much of it. 

So why can’t we just love?

You have a heart for a reason, you are living and breathing for a reason and that reason is to love and love unconditionally. 

I am still learning, and I will keep growing. Will you be willing to do the same too?

self-talk: 22 march 2017

22 March 2017, 9:48am

It’s been long.
And I guess I have not gotten over it.

you have to stop being your worst nightmare

breathe
breathe
breathe

stop being needy
you only need yourself

how does one live dangerously
how am I suppose to live dangerously
how am I suppose to love myself

so many questions, yet so little time
I’m 18 and 4 months old, and I feel like I’m running out of time

slowly
one step at a time

And I don’t know why I’m not feeling too well