powder & fire

powder & fire

I used to think that I was powder and you were fire.

I was wrong.
you were the explosives, and I was the flame.

you caused the explosion while i was just being myself,
i have been called dumb
and maybe i should have known not
to be near gun powder.

but,
if there wasn’t an explosion,
I wouldn’t be burning brighter than before.

and maybe explosions are not so bad after all,
and maybe being near things that may hurt you eventually
will help you to discover new things

once bitten, twice shy
oh how I’ll never learn

but no one’s ever gonna stop my flames.
no one can,
and no one will.

use your heart to the full

use your heart to the full

What’s the point of fighting and hating when we can love? We all have a heart, so use it to the fullest.

It’s quite sad to see that people are spewing hate, and claiming that it’s because the other has does the most wrong. Even if the person has done wrong, it gives you no right to throw hurtful words or spew fire at him. These people can give excuses all they want, they can say the person did the worst mistake but honestly, everyone is fucked and they should never put the blame on other people but examine themselves.

This is too big a mess to explain but through this situation I have learnt of today, I just kinda gave some advice, and realise that it’s a reminder to myself too. And it also should be a reminder to you too. 
You reap what you sow

And we should all be good to one another, and show love to one another. And if people show you with hate, 

Don’t repay them with hate but kindness. Remember this.

And once you practice that, you will grow and people will see your change. And you don’t have to care about what others say. Because ultimately it’s you, you have to answer to yourself. And as Long as one person in the world can see you are trying and changing, that’s enough.

We are all learning and growing every single day, there isn’t a need for hate in this world anymore. There’s too much of it. 

So why can’t we just love?

You have a heart for a reason, you are living and breathing for a reason and that reason is to love and love unconditionally. 

I am still learning, and I will keep growing. Will you be willing to do the same too?

self-talk: 22 march 2017

22 March 2017, 9:48am

It’s been long.
And I guess I have not gotten over it.

you have to stop being your worst nightmare

breathe
breathe
breathe

stop being needy
you only need yourself

how does one live dangerously
how am I suppose to live dangerously
how am I suppose to love myself

so many questions, yet so little time
I’m 18 and 4 months old, and I feel like I’m running out of time

slowly
one step at a time

And I don’t know why I’m not feeling too well

 

Convalescence: V

You have so much to work on yourself.

 
It’s quite funny how the friends who tell you that it’s absolutely okay to see a future where you possibly will be on your own are not single and are attached and will have possible futures with the people they love. I have nothing against it though and I really appreciate it and I know that there is absolutely nothing wrong.

 
Ultimately, you only have yourself because nothing last forever.
Nothing at all.

 
There is absolutely nothing wrong, but I’m getting too used to being alone. I don’t even think of possible futures with anyone in my life. And I just feel disconnected from the world at the moment yet again.

 
Friends are great, my friends care for me. They try to talk to me, they try to understand. My family loves me but they might have killed the joyful little girl in me. And will they ever understand everything that goes through my mind? Every doubt I have, every problem, every trouble, every feeling? I doubt so. Honestly they don’t really get it, not many people in my life gets it. Maybe just a few, or maybe just you. But you don’t last forever either.

 

I’m sorry if this breaks any of your hearts, but I think I was born to be alone.
We are all born to be alone.
As what Hannah Snowdon said before.
Ultimately you’ll only have yourself.

 

But how can I only have myself when the person I see in the mirror isn’t someone I can say I truly love with my whole heart?
You need clear mirrors to see yourself, because the mirrors you are seeing through now are distorted and dirty.
I have lost most of my identity,
I lost my child.
I lost her to the people who raised her.
I lost my joy, my happiness that I used to find in myself.
I lost the joy of performing for people and I now only perform in my own world.
I have a mind to rewire,
I have lots of things to discover,
I have God to discover.
Yet I can’t seem to kick the feeling of doubt away from the fact that only a church could help me.
When I know it wouldn’t because it’s too small of a space to contain me and my brain.
It’s too flawed of a system to be in.
And that is because my brain was wired that way since young and it’s very exhausting sometimes because it’s been stuck with me since I was brought up the way I was.
I have songs to write.
I have feelings to feel.
I have so much in me,
I am more than meets the blinking eye, you would always tell me.
But how I wish I could see what you see in me.
Will I be able to make it?
Or will normalcy be my destiny.

 
“You can have whatever life you want but you have to be willing to work for it”

 
Can I really do it?
I don’t wish to let your believe in me be in vain.
I have a body to love.
I have a mind to love.
But yet I keep torturing it.
Many people think I need help.
Whether doctors, counsellors, pastors or a church.
But your help isn’t really what I need.
Only I can help myself.
That’s possibly one of the reasons why I feel disconnected.
I don’t want to be found, I just want to feel (un)lost.
But I know I’m searching,
And I’m searching for ways to be happy within myself.
To one day become a beautiful lotus that all of us are destined to be.
I want to feel so lucky to only have myself.
I want to find the happiness and worth in myself again.
And if you said heaven and hell are states we put ourselves in,
I have been in hell for far too long and I’m getting too comfortable in it.

 

I still have so much learning to do.
I still have so much growing to do.
But I have so much to work on.
It scares me
and it frightens me so much more that I only have myself.
But if this is a journey I have to take,
I will take it.

 

Forgive me for the hurt I bring,
but it is essential for me to be on my own on this journey and I hope you’ll understand.